


Unsuited

by Nemesis (ThetaSigma), ThetaSigma



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: M/M, Prostitution, attempted threesome, but not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 13:57:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11853012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThetaSigma/pseuds/Nemesis, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThetaSigma/pseuds/ThetaSigma
Summary: John and Fin decide it's finally time for a threesome. The person they hire is unfortunately completely unsuited for this task.The squad have other problems this evening.





	Unsuited

“I just think it’s time,” John said. “We’ve been considering it for close to ten years now, we’re married, I’m sure you love me and if you don’t know by now that I love you, there is no hope for you. I don’t think having a threesome would damage our relationship.”

“Mmm, okay,” Fin said hesitantly. He was still not sure he could share John in reality, but John was right – it _had_ been something on their sexual bucket list for about ten years now, and neither of them were getting any younger. “Who do you suggest for the honor? A stranger? A friend?”

“Oh God, not a friend,” John said. “Could never look someone in the eye after that. I think this time we should pay for it,” he said. “Oh, don’t give me that look, you know perfectly well that prostitution has its place in society. Consider it: someone who would be discreet, would go away when we’re done and leave us to deconstruct our experiences, someone who we could pick…”

Fin saw the merit in John’s arguments. “Okay, but _you_ go pick,” he said. “ _You’re_ retired and I’m pretty sure an SVU cop shouldn’t be seen around prostitutes. I’ll get dressed for the occasion and tidy the place up a little, make it inviting.”

“Well now, if an SVU cop can’t be going to a prostitute stroll, I’m pretty sure inviting one back to your place would be frowned upon. A hotel, I think.”

“Even better idea,” Fin said, kissing John. “Upscale or seedy motel?”

“I believe our bank balance could stand an upscale place for once, my love, and I’ve had _quite_ enough of seedy motels from my police career to last me several lifetimes. Besides, I’d like to think I’m a cut above the perps we spent decades arresting.”

“Mention arresting again and you’ll put me off this idea entirely,” Fin grumbled. “Now suggest a sexy outfit for me. _You’ll_ do in a suit, of course, anyone with a working pair of eyes will want to rip that off in a second, but…”

“ _Not_ your whipping outfit,” John said immediately. “Only I get to see that.”

Fin tactfully didn’t mention the time they had worn it to a kinky sex club undercover, the time Elliot had walked in on them, or the time they had worn it to a drag show and been arrested. None of those incidents needed to be brought up just now, as they were all libido-killers (especially Elliot, _especially_ the way things had ended with _him_. The rape accusation still smarted).

John picked out a purple button-down shirt and form-fitting jeans for Fin, pulling him close for another kiss. “Are you okay with this?” he asked, searching his husband’s face for any worry.

“Yes,” Fin said. “Besides, we can always safeword. Another good reason to hire a prostitute,” he conceded. “No hurt feelings.”

John smiled. “I knew you’d see the merits. Now, let’s go find a hotel room and I’ll find a sufficiently attractive young man to bring back.”

***

John was driving around known prostitute strolls, looking for the perfect young man. Many he had rejected as being far, far too young. Several he had wanted to send the fuck home, back to their worried (hopefully, at least) parents. (Although, from what he remembered of his police days, chances were they were _not_ worried and were the ones pimping these poor boys out, and if he thought too much more about this, he’d be put off by the entire enterprise completely).

Many he had not been attracted to, not sensing a spark. He despaired of ever finding someone both he and Fin would want to have sex with. He wasn’t exactly _picky_ , but he wanted the night to be special.

A tall, thin young man huddled on the corner. He looked uncomfortable standing there, but also quite attractive. He had brown hair, falling into his blue eyes, and he was in a tight shirt and a very short pair of shorts. John appreciated them for a moment before pulling over. “You free?” he asked.

The man looked startled, looked around and said, “Uh, yeah. Yeah, I am. In the car… or…?”

“Oh, I have a friend waiting for us at a hotel,” John said easily. “Well, I say friend, he’s actually my husband. I hope that’s okay. Obviously, we’ll pay extra.” He dug out money, quite a bit of money.

The man looked uncertain for a moment, then smiled, and John lost his breath for a moment. The man had an _utterly_ captivating smile. “Yeah, that’s okay,” he said. “I guess I’ll get in?”

“Unless you were planning on taking the subway, I believe you’d better,” John said dryly. The man got hesitatingly into the car, and John started driving.

“You have a name?” John asked.

The young man looked surprised, then said, “Dom. Everyone just calls me Dom.”

“You got a partner, too, who everyone calls Sub?” John joked. 

Dom looked puzzled by the joke, and John sighed. “I guess you don’t do much BDSM.”

“Uh, no, that’s a hard limit of mine, sir,” Dom said. 

“I’ll keep that in mind. I’m John,” John said. He didn’t extend a hand; as a cautious driver, he always kept both hands on the wheel, unlike Fin, who never drove with more than one if he could help it. It usually made John grab for anything within reach and close his eyes against the terrifying sights. John often wondered how Rollins took Fin’s driving, but he never had the chance to ask.

“Nice to meet you, sir,” Dom said shyly.

“None of this sir business,” John said firmly. “Usually people who are fucking me don’t call me ‘sir’. Unless we’re doing some _seriously_ kinky shit, and in that case, I’m usually the one saying ‘sir’, if you catch my drift.”

Dom seemed lost for words. John reflected that, for a prostitute, he was not exactly full of sexy stuff to say, especially when John had given him oh so many easy opportunities, but John found the shyness quite endearing. Hopefully Fin would, too. Dom also wasn’t taking any action: he kept his hands firmly to himself. From what John remembered of his police days, prostitutes generally were a lot handsier, although John appreciated not being distracted while he drove.

A flash of worry passed through him. He appreciated it now but at some point, he’d quite like this young man to be a _lot_ more tactile.

“This isn’t your first night, is it?” John asked.

“Uh… not exactly?” Dom offered. 

“That tone of voice suggests it’s your second.” John pulled over for a minute. He looked hard at Dom. “Are you uncomfortable doing this? Because if you are, you can get out of the car now, and I won’t blame you. I don’t want you to feel coerced just because I’m paying you money.”

Dom looked shocked. “No, si—No, John, I’m not uncomfortable.” He smiled again, and John’s breath caught. “Just never done a threesome.”

“Well now, neither have we. We’ll figure it out together.” John threw the car back into gear and drove. 

They reached the hotel scant minutes later, and John led Dom up to the room. They had received several looks by the guests, which Dom had shrunk under and John had masterfully ignored. The receptionist was too well-trained to bother, but the hoity-toity guests were _definitely_ passing judgment on John with a man young enough to be his grandson dressed like _that_. 

“Hopefully you’ll like my husband as well,” John said, digging out his keycard. “I’m sorry I didn’t bring him along.”

“That’s fine,” Dom said encouragingly. “I’m sure we’ll get along fine.”

John threw the door open and said, “I’m back!” He walked in, and Dom followed unsurely (John wondered again just how long this young man had been doing this). Fin was lounging on the couch, his purple shirt halfway unbuttoned, stretched out along the length of the couch. He looked up from his paper and smiled at John, then his eyes slid along to Dom.

“ _What the fuck?!_ ” both of them said at once.

Fin leapt to his feet. “It’s not… I mean… _shit_!” Fin said.

“What’s wrong, my love?” John asked worriedly. Dom had attempted to cover his _incredibly_ short shorts a bit and was flushing red.

Fin opened his mouth to say something, but absolutely nothing came out. He tried again and said in a strangled tone, “John, let me introduce you to our newest detective, Dominick Carisi, who is apparently undercover tonight.”

Carisi waved a bit and said, “Call me Sonny,” as the door burst open. Liv and Rollins fairly stormed in, guns drawn, and Barba came in after them, face grim.

John sighed and flopped on the couch. “ _Of course_. Detective, go grab the blanket from the bed, I think you’d be more comfortable wrapped in that.”

Carisi practically ran for it.

***

Liv holstered her gun and sat down on one of the chairs. “Well,” she said. “Now you can tell me what this is all about.”

“ _You_ can tell me,” John answered, “why an undercover detective decided to get in a car with _me._ ”

Carisi came out then, wrapped in one of the sheets from the bed. He immediately looked more comfortable. “Oh. Well. You matched the description of the perp. The threesome angle was new, but we were looking for an older white guy, well-dressed, glasses…” he trailed off as practically everyone glared at him to shut up.

“I think the only people in this room who need to explain anything are Munch and Fin,” Barba said coldly. “Because as far as I remember, hiring a prostitute is still a prosecutable offense. _And_ a conflict of interest for an SVU detective.”

“Which is why I did the actual hiring,” John said calmly. “Prosecutable, sure, but not a conflict of interest, since I’ve been retired for 3-something years now. And our sex life is not your business, Counselor, Lieutenant, although I’m sure you’ve already heard all the pertinent bits anyway, since I have no doubt that your detective was wired.”

Fin looked like he wanted the Earth to swallow him up at this point. “John,” he hissed.

“What?” John asked innocently.

“Maybe I should defend myself at this point.”

John looked hard at Fin, looked to Barba, whose face was still set like stone, then made a decision. “No,” he said. “I think neither of us should, at this point. I’m calling a lawyer.” He pulled out his phone.

“Whoa, whoa,” Liv said placatingly. “I don’t think we need to go quite that far. I’m sure no charges will be filed.”

“Are you, Liv? Because I’m looking at your pet ADA, and I’m not so sure he’s not filing charges come morning,” John said grimly. “I’m calling our lawyer.”

Liv looked at Barba. “Barba? _Are_ you filing charges?”

“I haven’t decided yet. Although Munch here has given me a confession, practically, so I’m all set with him.”

“As long as Fin doesn’t go down for this, too, I’ll count that as a victory,” John spat back.

“It’d be a conflict of interest,” Rollins said from her spot on the couch.

Barba shot her a death glare.

“This is getting _a little_ out of hand,” Liv snapped. She stood up and yanked Barba into the hallway where they conferred in low tones. John, for the moment, put his cellphone away, waiting to see the outcome. 

Fin rubbed John’s hand soothingly and said, “Y’know, babe, _you_ might count it as a victory if only you get prosecuted, but _I_ certainly won’t.”

“Well, to be fair, I _did_ commit a crime.”

“And if you hadn’t accidentally hired an undercover detective, no one would care.”

Barba chose that moment to storm back in. “I won’t be filing charges,” he ground out. “But if I find you _ever_ try to hire another prostitute, _either_ of you,” he let the beginning of the threat hang in the air.

“I believe after tonight we’ll leave well enough alone,” Fin said dryly. “See all of you tomorrow.”

He practically high-tailed it out of there, dragging John along.

*** 

Sonny watched all of that, still wrapped in his sheet, sitting on the couch. Rollins was next to him, watching warily in case she had to intervene. Sonny sighed. It was definitely getting out of hand, and Rafael had looked about ready to shoot John – making it a very good thing Rafael didn’t own a gun.

Rafael hadn’t been thrilled about Sonny going undercover as a prostitute (although he had rather liked Sonny’s outfit), but apparently he hadn’t thought anyone would try to pick Sonny up. 

“You need to reign your boyfriend in,” Rollins muttered to Sonny. 

“Like he’d listen to me,” Sonny muttered back.

They’d been dating only a couple of months, and Sonny didn’t think having a conversation with the prickly man about this would get very far. 

Liv and Barba approached them, and Rollins got to her feet quickly. “Well, if you two don’t need me anymore, I’m heading home. Don’t think we’ll be catching the perp tonight,” she said, running for the door.

“Carisi,” Liv started. “Sorry about tonight. _Obviously_ I didn’t think you’d be picked up by Munch and Fin, and I’d’ve tried to stop it sooner if I could. I’d give you tomorrow off, but we really need to catch this perp.”

Sonny nodded; he understood perfectly.

“No,” Barba said quietly but firmly. “He’s not going back out there again.”

“Rafi,” Sonny said. “It’s my _job_.”

Liv edged away quietly. She could discuss the other issues once this lovers’ spat was over.

Rafael looked like he had bit into something sour. “I don’t like you out there, looking like that, being… _hired_ …” he spat the word out.

“I’m not _actually_ having sex with these men,” Sonny said mildly.

“Well, thank goodness for small favors,” Rafael snapped. “But the idea of you, on some street corner, looking like sin… it’s not right.”

“You have a better idea on how to find our perp?”

“Why does it have to be _you_?”

“Because Rollins and the Lieu are female, and Fin is too old and not his type,” Sonny answered immediately. He took Rafael’s hands in his. “It’s just a job. It’s a… a fiction. Someone else is out there, not me. I take it off at the end of the night and go home as Sonny – go to _your_ place, as often as not.”

“You went with Munch today.”

“Because I thought he was the perp! I’d never met him before. Maybe if Fin had been a _little more open_ about the man he’s _married to_ I’d’ve known it wasn’t the perp but the _husband_ of an SVU detective and not gotten involved!” Sonny said, exasperated. 

“I’ll make Fin wear a photo of John everyone from now on,” Rafael vowed. 

*** 

Fin lay down in bed and stuck his head under his pillow. He said, completely muffled, “I am never coming out again.”

“This cannot be more embarrassing than all those incidents with Elliot,” John said in an attempt to cheer him up. “Or that time we got arrested going to a drag show.”

“None of those were _illegal_ ,” Fin answered. “Unless you’ve forgotten between your fight with Barba and now, this _was_.”

“Well, it’s certainly a unique way to meet your spouse’s colleagues,” John tried.

“Will you _stop_ trying to cheer me up? I have to go face them at work tomorrow! Do you _know_ how awkward it will be to face Carisi? Or how many jokes Rollins will make? Or the fact that I will have to work with Barba again?”

“What do you want me to do?” John asked tenderly.

“Never fucking have a bright idea again,” Fin grumbled. “Also you can hold me and remind me why I love you. _Without_ sex,” he added quickly. “I’m not in the mood for sex right just now, thank you.”

“Okay,” John said, remembering the times he had needed comfort and not sex from Fin. “It’ll blow over eventually.”

“Platitudes are not your style and not a reason I love you,” Fin complained.

“Mm,” John said, wrapping his arms around Fin and pulling him close. “I suppose I can think of _some_ reason why you love me.”

“I suppose I can too,” Fin conceded. He pressed a kiss to his husband’s lips. 

“There’s my intellect, my sensitivity to your needs, my sense of humor, the sex, the…”

“Oh shut up and let me sleep,” Fin said good-naturedly. “Now it just sounds like you’re bragging.”

John laughed, not offended at all. “Well now, when you put it like that…”


End file.
